Monday, May 15, 2006

Madeira's Triangle (Part 1/2)

Believers or not, we all agree that something's wrong in Madeira's archipelago...

A Little History Lesson:
The Madeira Islands is a Portuguese autonomous archipelago in the north Atlantic Ocean that lies between 32°22.3′N 16°16.5′W and 33°7.8′N 17°16.65′W.
The Madeira Islands, known originally to the Romans as the Purple Islands (!!!), were rediscovered (accidentally) by Portuguese sailors and settled by Portugal in 1418. It is currently an autonomous region.
Positioned in the Atlantic Ocean, about 360 miles (580 km) directly west of Morocco, Africa, and 540 miles (870 km) southwest of Lisbon, Portugal. Madeira and Porto Santo are the only inhabited islands.
These islands are a popular year-round resort, famed worldwide for their Madeira wine, embroidery artisans, New Years' Eve celebrations with a spectacular fireworks show, a perfect climate, striking scenery and beautiful flowers.

What Frightened the Romans?
The "Purple Islands" somehow made those intrepid ancient warriors and conquers stay away for good... Rome attempted to settle a permanent base on the islands but settlers turned strangely apathic and started using bananas in peculiar ways, got drunked while growing some weird flowers on the slopes... This episode inspired Homer's epic poem, the Odyssey, introducing Ulysses and the cyclops legends...
The islands remained uninhabited for another 2.000 years until the Portuguese settler's arrival... Again the apathy and deviant behaviour... They razed all the forest from the main island to get room for more bananas, wines and flower plantations. Today's Madeira's well-known dictatorial "South American" inspired model was adapted then to ensure a permanent settlement on the archipelago.
Sailors reports from that times refered that the whole main island glow in purple colour at night.

The Triangle's Early Days
After the American continent's discovery and with the increasing sailing movement between the Americas and Europe, rumors about cigar-shaped and disc-shaped aircrafts around Madeira spread like Chinese shops amongst sailing related ones, from Boston's warehouses mighty workers to Antwerp's syphilitic star whores ... Strange creatures were also seen on the islands beyound the guys on bananas... Stone Age recession takes place... The natives go back living on caves and the time stops... Not the bananas... They eat meat in a wooden stick! Suspended animation for over 500 years... They survive in extreme conditions... In the year of 1620 "as the night approached the sky turned black and all the good men hid their bananas waiting for the light to come"... This ancient demonstration of nocturnal darkness phenomena is wonderfully described in one of the oldest manuscripts named "De Nausea Excrementum".
During the 18th the two main islands switched places several times, sometimes simultaneously... Fishermen witnessed a strange aircraft that "doesn't fly unless you can imagine it(...)" near the "Desertas" islands. "It was moving like when u catch an iguana and u put some onions on it" as referred by skipper Zé Camacho. He also described the craft, which presented strange symbols, he even drew it with his finger nails on the back of one of his men...
"That house had windows... But no curtains on it!... Me and men became confused. We watched those people with strange faces just staring at us... One of the men even tried to get their attention blinking his eyes! We never seen that before... Men cried hysterically! We're poor guys, want no troubles... Juat give us our bannanas!" This episode took place in 1901, aboard "The Drag Queen".
1922: As a relief for bananas shortage, natives engaged on kryptonite exploration...

Men cried hysterically!... No curtains on the windows!...

Recent Years
1957: "Deserta" island moves over 5 miles North on one sunday morning.... little "Selvagem" island rose over half-mile in the air as the movement took place.

10 November 1958: Main island moves 10m North after lunch.

1969, Arieiro's Peak: local farmer Saúl Camacho tries to find 42 of his 43 sheep... Late that night on the top of a cliff, returning home, Saúl finds himself being observed by an uncommon humanoid creature "with fire in his eyes, rigid, stone-like"... Suddenly he's at the bottom of the cliff... But his clock and 9 rare postal stamps were missing! The lost sheep were found the next morning, in a peculiar queue formation where the last one followed de first one! The only one that was missing was the one that Saúl had found the night before!
No Curtains on the windows!...

10 July 1969: Donald Crowhurst's trimaran "Teignmouth Electron" was found empty near the Azores. Crowhurst went crazy and drowned himself... Nothing in special about this case, except that Azores and Madeira Archipelagos had switched their positions 2 days before...

1974, April: 2 sinister humanoids arrive in Madeira on their way to Brazil.

1974: the almost forgotten purple fuzzy haze turns orange... Yet it can only be seen from some distance...

1975: Madeira's Spanish Inquisition is abolished.

Summer 1975: Cuba appears in front of Funchal and stays there for 2 weeks... People can walk between the two islands during low-tide. Bananas for everyone.

19 November 1977: 131 died at Funchal's Airport when a Tap B737 misses landing.
Official explanation: The aircraft landed beyond the recommended point on the runway, overran the end, and careended down a cliff during rain.
Fact: the island moved 25m west at that precise time!

1977: Young lawyer John-Albert leaves Lisbon in his 10 feet canoe trying to beat his own record of reaching Madeira with only 20 bottles of vodka. Disappears on that same day... Re-appears 42 days later on a Cuban beach, naked and aimless. Stays delirious for one week talking about little dark men abuse rubish.

1978: Albert-John's mind-controlled body finally reaches Madeira with a sinister mission... He's crowned emperor and firmly attached to a magnetic-power chair.

Men cried hysterically!...

1978: The orange glow goes so strong that chinese factories can switch lights off.

1978: the entire archipelago moves right-hand side and acquires its current configuration.

1981 Ponta do Sol: two friends in their quest for scar collection specimens take a close encounter with a 5-feet-tall creature. "It was funny: if we looked towards the creature we were able to see it, if we didn't the creature would be out of sight. The all scene last for maybe one hour, until my friend discovers a well-dried, extremely rare armpit scar".

1990's: Spanish airforce fighters fly low over "Desertas" in pursuit of bird-like flying objects.

2005: Madeira's emperor declares war to China

Facts & Figures:
Madeira's natives that have ever been on Moon's Surface: n/a
Goods Generated last year (per capita): minus something
Impact on Portuguese National Economy Public deficit: +3,5%

Strange sheep formations!...

Next week:
"The Present Situation"
"The Chao da Lagoa Connection"
"Uncountable gallons of kriptonyte"
"Hollow space inside"
"Freak Show"
"I'm not a Beast"

Editor's Note:

Dear Readers:

After the May 13th Celebrations the MASS STUPIDIFICATION PROGRAM continues: FIFA's World Cup is approaching fast.

So you are allowed not tho think on anything else except national anthem, flag and team...

Remember: Ignorance is Bliss...

Thanks to:
Mass Media
Opus Dei
Deutsche Bank
... and all the lads in the portuguese and european parliaments... Hope you guys can make
it to Germany. Forget all the problems and enjoy the Summer.

Without you all, this wouldn't be possible!

Special Thanks:
Guys at "Echelon Project" (miss you so much!)

Love you all.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Starting today....

Because today it's Donkey's Day !!!